Being Happy and all the struggles that go with it…lol

Candace Rose Rardon..just read her story about the definition of home..I really felt every word…..home is a journey..what used to be home as a child was completely different as an adult…I felt this too as my world changed so many times as an adult.. as a married woman..as a divorced person..and as a mother..for me when I’m with my children I’m home…💙

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I think I have too many balls in the air and I am really afraid as to what will happen if they all start to fall down…Ouch!  On a given day and/or week I have projects and chores and errands just like everyone else..and of course there is always my next great idea for a book…my next great idea for a gift..which right now is a drawing of the flowers from my sons wedding…the next book I want to read…the next movie I would like to see..the next recipe I want to mess with…the next skill I want to learn..copywriting..I am still outlining this one book which is 3 weeks late going back to the Library..yay me!..um…what else….researching information for books…this is a constant for me..Once I get an idea of the subject matter…I start researching right away.  I try to be organized but sometimes there are 50 sticky notes next to my laptop…crazy I know…I am pretty sure it takes me about 10 times longer than anyone else in the known universe to finish a project or sometimes to start a project..like let’s say past the idea stage…and that is on a good day…Enter stress…(money, getting one thing finished in a day besides breakfast, emails and appointments to get to);  family needs…(Mom, Mom, Mom, and Daughter Daughter Daughter can you help me); family happenings…(which of course include getting ready for the events and everything you said you were going to do after them…weddings…family reunions..funerals,etc….and a teenager…(every time I think we are on the same page….he is in a different book altogether)…The problems are never ending..I do not think I have talked to anyone this much in my entire life..Our latest “conversation” is about exercise…why he needs to do it…why it is good for him…and why he should not give me a hard time about it…Do you understand?…yes….Ok let’s go for a walk…no..I am busy…Really?…I set up the time with him…I set up the circumstances to his favor..I bend over backwards trying to accommodate him..family says I spoil him and let him play too much on the computer (he loves computer games)…I am just trying to keep it peaceful….he tells his therapist I am a control freak….because I ask him to brush his teeth “all the time”…my therapist says to take away the computer and limit his time on it.and make him be social away from the computer..which usually makes him go completely mental…but I am going to take that advice especially when school starts in another week…his old therapist tells me to consider how he feels…walk a mile in his shoes kind of thing..I am pretty sure I consider his feelings in most everything…so I am good there..my friends have offered reward and consequence advice..and I get that..but it has to work for the individual child….how do I get through to him??…there is not anyone in this world that knows my son more than I do…so I hop on that band wagon…his interests…reward?…or..punishment?…his feelings….too much computer….not enough socializing…hhhhmmmmmm…Ding!!!!……First …go visit his favorite older brother…while we are there …visit the pool…his favorite physical thing to do…swim…gets him away from the computer..and gets him active…Second…when we return…limit computer time…he has already been away from it for a little while so it will not be such a shock…and then call his friend Johnny (the names have been changed to protect the innocent) to come to the gym with us to work out at least once a week…bc when school starts he will at least have gym at school…if he follows the rules and does not give me a hard time..game reward..once a month…and find him a book series he would like to help him pass the time that he is not on the computer..like say…The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy..We have already read Harry Potter…so that is out…lol…cut …print…that’s a take!..excuse me while I go give my son a hug and tell him I love him because I have the warm and fuzzies and I am feeling like a pretty good Mom right now…xox

While jockeying for first position ..and first position would be healthy happy me…I am dealing with doctors appointments..what is my disease?…and how much longer do I have to fight this illness?  I have been dealing with pain for five years..I have been to more doctors than I care to admit or acknowledge but I am not going to go into the whys and wheres because this is not a medical journal…but I do definitely have one..and as I have been remiss in writing in my blog…I have also not written in my medical journal because everything happened so fast….As I said …after five years of being in pain and two operations under my belt already…. within 2 months I had two more “diseases”..and I swear these other diseases came from my initial illness., had something like 20 doctors appointments, seven more “surgical procedures”..some of which I had to be put under for.., another operation, a complication from the operation…which meant almost another week in the hospital…and then finally recovery…which I have been in since about the end of May…Its August…and I kid you not….I am still recovering…my children…my friends…my parents…all think I should be past the recovery stage and think I am milking it….I know this because there is always that pause…and sometimes a look…..so I try not to complain…and I try to push myself a little more every chance I get…but it’s hard….and I hate feeling weak and tired…it sucks…great word..lol….but it is all encompassing…and sums it up nicely…lol………………..So..in the spirit of trying to get back to “normal life”..which I am not even sure what that is anymore..I am going to get back to blogging and I am going to start writing again..and I am going to fill in my medical journal…even though that means I have to think back to those two months of OMG (Oh my Gosh!)…Wish Me Luck!

Then bring on the clouds…We all need hope!

boy with a hat

Drifting Into A Dream By Helenka Wierzbicki (c) Drifting Into A Dream By Helenka Wierzbicki

If flowers teach us beauty,

Sunrise life,

Water thirst,

Noise silence,

And rain sorrow,

If clouds teach us hope,

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Figured It Out!

I think I have it figured out…maybe…or hopefully…lol.  I think I have been putting my life on hold… so to speak…because nothing felt right anymore.  It was like I was holding my breath and waiting for things to go back to normal.  I know everyone’s normal is different..so lets say “my normal” then.  I just kept waiting and I am still waiting for things to fall back into the places where they are supposed to be.  I am supposed to be healthy…I am supposed to be a working mom…willing and able to provide for her family….I am supposed to be the kind of person who likes to learn new things…try new things…think outside the box…The type of person who tries to fit 24 hours of work into 12…I do like to try.  And I recently had an AHA! Moment..(Please read “Happy Endings” ..but I still feel so horribly bad and useless because I am not working…that is the biggest obstacle for me right now…I just cannot get over it…I know its partly because I am struggling so bad to keep food on the table and I am doing odd jobs to help with that but it just isn’t enough……it is just never enough…and it seems so hopeless…like I am never going to be able to keep afloat…but I think I finally figured it out…how to keep myself from wallowing….It is just plain and simple...everyday i have to choose not to….every single day….I know you were waiting for a magical cure or something really profound to come out of my mouth (or from my head to my fingers ..as it were) and I really apologize for the disappointment.  Think how I feel…I was hoping for a miracle cure…I wanted something to just click in my brain and stop me from feeling so rotten all the time.  I was seriously hoping for another aha…but the fact is..there is only one quick cure for what ails me….start making money…and this has not happened…so in the mean time I have to fight all those feelings of inadequacy because I am not doing a good job of taking care of my family…The unbelievable doubt that has taken root in my brain that I cannot hack it anymore when I used to be fearless…and I think the worst is the utter confusion of trying to figure out what to do next.  What can I do if this does not work out?  What do I do if the other thing does not work out..and my main one, of course, which is…will I ever have enough self discipline to sit down and write everyday…even if….” I am not feeling it”? …meaning the urge to write….Sigh

Starting Over

This is a list of posts from when I started this blog with the idea that I would at least write one every other week to start and then write every week once I got a little more disciplined.  Then I got sick…well actually I have been sick so really I got sicker for a while and did not do that much with this blog…so….I thought i would re-blog everything but not in the usual way..I am consolidating some of the shorter ones..These were actually spread out over a couple of years…lol…yes …I know that is sad..

2nd Post…I’m listening to Enrique Iglesias Heartbeat ft. Nicole Sherzinger over and over again…..I do that sometimes because eventually it is like white noise and it helps me think.  I am…of course…thinking about writing…I think about it all the time…wondering if I can actually do this…I mean its not like I went to college and took English Lit or anything…I didn’t major in writing….I have however been an avid reader my whole life…but lately all i want to do is write…i get ideas…i write songs…i write ideas down…but everything is a mess…I figure that I need to get organized…not one of my best qualities, by the way, so how do I start?  You probably have to have the kind of discipline that someone who works from home has…someone who can carve out time zones to work…do dishes and laundry…..feed people and stuff..you know discipline…they do the same thing every day at a certain time…lol…I can’t even keep up with farmville on facebook…maybe I should start small…baby steps….like maybe getting up everyday at the same time or if not that exactly…doing the same thing after I get up everyday.  Maybe I should get up every morning and run to 7 Eleven for coffee..come back….check email…write a post on facebook…write a paragraph or two or three of the book…or at least jot down ideas….thoughts for the book…and what about research…you got to do research for facts and references and possibly some quotes for the beginning…i love quotes so much…as much as Oprah loves quotes….I probably don’t collect ones like her…but that’s okay…..I have to think about that…what kind of research and how to go about it…..my brain is going a mile a minute right now…thinking of ideas….better exit to go write things down…till tomorrow….sleep well peoples

3rd Post…..

You Know that movie, Under the Tuscan Sun, the scene in the beginning right before she finds out that her husband is cheating on her….…

Male Associate:   Frances, these are amazing, what did you do to them

Frances: Chocolate is timing my friend, the rest is magic!

Male Associate:  Tom is one lucky bastard, a literary wife who makes brownies, I swear if you tell me you cook in the nude, I’ll go home and kill myself

Frances: Never in the nude….always in a thong

Patty: Actually, if you knew Frances better, you’d know these brownies are a sign of avoidance.

Frances:  Thanks

Patty: Your Welcome

Male Associate:  How’s the novel going?

Frances:  Not so well…but the procrastination of course is coming along fabulously, and soon it will breed abject self loathing and then Ill just become a writing machine.

Patty:  It’s her process.

Whenever I watched that movie I always thought the same thing… that is exactly how I’m going to be when I try to write…now that it is actually coming true though…I am feeling like I need to change things and quick!

4th Post…This one is interesting….not!...Went Hiking and I was hoping to think about my story…unfortunately that did not happen…all I thought about was putting one foot in front of the other…because the trail was treacherous…so no thinking about writing today…and I got a blister on my heel….bummer..going to sleep early I hope..gonna try…up early for an appt so lets hope so……

5th Post…I was thinking today that I  need more self discipline in order to be a writer.  I have been trying for weeks to get a routine in the morning at the very least and do you know….. since its summer…I have had the worst time of it.  First you have to understand that routine is difficult for me to begin with..then throw in a crazy work schedule….appointments for me and my son constantly..throw in Mum and Dad and their schedules that i have to try and cook around and I am lost……. usually by 9am i have already gone off the deep end…so I need to be flexible…I have to be…so how do you get a self disciplined routine when you need to be flexible?  That is a very good question and one I will be thinking about…but Ive got to try and sleep…gotta do real work tomorrow…..what does that even mean?? Oh wait..I know..I probably think that it isn’t real unless I am sitting in someones office and typing from like 9 to 5 and getting paid by the hour. (I know I am dating myself here but I love that movie 9 to 5 with Dolly Parton) ..ok..I definitely need to change the way I think about work..or rather earning money or whatever.  Yes because if it is fun and I do not feel like I am working…will I feel guilty?

6th Post….This was a low point apparently...I was just thinking so I had to write even though it is the day time..lol…I have been pretty poor and pretty well off too.  So I guess I have been through all the emotions from top to bottom.  I am going through a really bad time right now “financially speaking” as some would say….because of course, I haven’t been discovered yet…lol…..and whenever I am this bad off meaning… I have to borrow money to buy food……that kind of bad off…….I remember that song from the Script called “For The First Time” because I have to psyche myself up so I don’t lose hope and that song always makes me hopeful…but also I remember that pyramid from psychology class in college.  It’s called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.  Maslow’s theory is that people will need their basic needs fulfilled before they can move on to other advanced needs.  When you are hungry which is one of the basic needs on the absolute bottom of the pyramid….you are consumed with thinking of food…you can’t move up to the next level of safety and security because all u think about is where is my next meal going to come from.  I personally call this going into starvation mode..I don’t like starvation mode…I don’t even know who I am anymore when I go into starvation mode because all I think about is food…who thinks about food all the time????  I keep thinking ….this is crazy……this is not me….and I can force myself to think of other things by writing and reading and watching movies or whatever…but as soon as I come back to the present.it’s food…..food……food….FOOD…..FOOD…..like can I scrape up enough change to get a cup of coffee from the store today to go with my piece of bread and if I can’t I won’t leave the house.

7th Post….hmmm…another low point…and absolutely nothing about writing…more like just complaining..sorry about that…Title: Parental Control...Getting yelled at by your father when u aren’t a  child anymore does things to your psyche.  Dad has always been a control freak….and those of us in his family have to live with that…because anytime that anyone has tried to effect any changes….things always got worse.  My father escalates at an alarming rate sometimes and he definitely does not like change.  The thing that has changed right now in his life that he does not like is…….. me.  So besides his everyday fights with my mother…he now feels the need to pick fights with me as often as he can…just to let me know that he is displeased with me.. He will also insult me if we spend any length of time together…..not an outright insult..but a round about subtle one….that kind of sticks to you like glue…and then you have to take time to get it off and remind yourself that whatever is going on in his mind is not really your fault and then you put the pieces that were ripped out of you back together by telling yourself that you are worthy no matter what he says.

8th Post..Can’t Write…bummer…After the thing with my father…I was upset..but i wanted to write…When I am upset I cannot write because I cannot leave the now…if that makes sense.  When I think about the story I want to tell…I leave this world and go inside my head.  It is a kind of meditation.  The sounds around me get very low and muffled almost like I am in a bubble and sometimes I am not even aware of them because I am so caught up in the creating and thinking about the story.  Sometimes it takes a while..sometimes I need to force myself away from the now..today it was the Olympics on television..and some Farmville and Hidden Chronicles on Facebook….today it took all day.  When I was finally out of my grump…I didn’t want to write. I decided on a Harry Potter marathon with my son.  We had dinner and popcorn and dessert…I splurged and got some cookies from the store earlier.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for writing.

9th Post….January….maybe 2013..(can’t remember where I was working..lol..)….It’s a New Year…so i have decided that the way to go about this problem I am having is to struggle against it daily instead of monthly. I would worry daily about that fact that I couldn’t write but I have only pushed myself about once a month to jot down ideas and try to write a paragraph or two and allowed myself to rip it up and not try again.. This is…obviously not working… not working at all..I need to be more steadfast in the pursuit of my dream…no more procrastinating…and come to think of it I should be like that with all my dreams…My dream of meeting a wonderful man…I should work on these dreams every day…none of this playing around anymore…I need to get down to business.  Oh and i should probably work a little harder at my job too…just so I can eat and feed my son too…

10th Post…Who knew rejection could spark the creative juices..I was rejected and all of a sudden…I had three new ideas for the main character of my book and a couple of themes for other books..all because I was feeling sorry for myself…I guess there really is something to the thought process of country music..you know something happens…write a song about it.  It is past 4 am..cant sleep can’t write..I have an appointment in the morning that I cannot miss…so going to be tired tomorrow.  I have been trying to get the businesses going so i can actually feel comfortable staying home and writing half of the time…Watched this movie yesterday named The Gift..it was about a psychic..Cate Blanchett played the psychic lady..she almost gets killed and a ghost saves her..loved it..I love anything that pushes the boundaries of what we think we know…Going to try and get some sleep now..sleep well peoples

I love happy endings.  I love happy endings so much that if a movie does not have a happy ending I will never watch it again….literally never…no matter how good it is.  It could win a bunch of awards and it just won’t matter to me.  I guess I figure that there is enough of all that other stuff in the world …disappointment… sadness… terribleness…ugh!!!!….why do I need it in a movie or a story.  Some people say that means you are living in a fantasy world and out of touch with reality…I get that…but at the same time…I have enough reality…………………………..Take my life right now..I am older…and no I am not telling you my age.  Lets just say that I am way past the age when you are supposed to be living with your parents..but I got sick.  So I lost some things and other things were repossessed and all.  Every time I thought I was better and that the doctors had fixed me…I learned fairly quickly that I was still sick.  This went on for 3 years and to this day I am not in perfect health….but I am hopeful that this will be remedied soon because It really can’t go on forever right…eventually the doctors have to figure out why I am still sick.  I have had a couple of jobs since I have been here.  The last one was so bad that I still have not faced myself about the reasons I can’t or won’t do it..I am still working that out.  I have been applying for jobs the way most people do these days…over the internet…at the job sites etc.  Recently I found this job that looked too good to be true…it fit me perfectly…I went for an interview..met my would be boss…great guy…our personalities fit…I had all the qualifications for the job…I was willing to learn anything I did not know which was really only one thing..so I thought…. I have this job in the bag.  I had to wait two weeks while he interviewed more people and they would let me know…I actually went through three interviews altogether.  During those two weeks…I was vibrating… I was on a high…I was sleeping…I was eating correctly…doing all the right things as a Mom…I was exercising..I was going to all my appointments and staying on top of my health issues…I did not feel like a loser who could not provide for her family…I did not feel like a sickly person…I did not feel like things were never going to get better..why????…certainly not because I knew I had the job…because no one really knows that..not really…it was because there was HOPE…for the first time in months and months I was hopeful!!.  Then I found out I did not get the job and I had to tell my family and friends… this job that I told everyone was perfect for me and I knew I did great at the interviews and I was pretty sure I had it….was not mine…I texted my therapist..the lady I have been moaning to for months about how my life sucks (I really do not like that word, by the way)  ..so bad and why can’t I find a decent job and why can’t I get out of this funk I am in…I texted her….I didn’t get it…no need to say more.  Chin up was her response.  Chin Up??? really? I am balling my eyes out and I can’t get enough tissues to my face to stop the flood of fluids and she wants me to keep my chin up.  That is just great… i thought…just great…I am never getting out of my parents house and living on my own ever again…why does God want me to be stuck here…what possible good can come out of this…what did I do that I am being punished so harshly..Do I really have to be broke and homeless to pay for whatever wrong I did…what did I do that was so horrible that I have to keep wallowing in the mud???  And then it hit me..right between the eyes…as they say…
Why am I wallowing in the mud?  Why am I so down?  Did I really think I was the only person in the world to ever lose her dream job?  Did I really think I had done something wrong??  Was I screaming at the heavens because God did this to me??  and the answer was loud and clear….a big….. NOPE!!!                       The last couple of weeks I was happy, joyful even…I had hope that things were going to change..I was doing things I hadn’t done in months and years…because I had hope that things were going to change soon…                     I wasn’t spending 4 or 5 hours a day applying to jobs on line that I wasn’t even sure I was qualified for and then spending the next couple of days hoping for an answer ………….when I wasn’t applying to more jobs, of course.  I thought….I really liked that me….the one that was happy…almost carefree…why am I wasting my time being miserable??????????…I decided I was going to keep hopeful….I told myself to do the things I like to do…..I am not giving up or anything but I refuse to let looking for a job be my whole rotten world anymore..I am going to apply to jobs I know I am qualified for and call it a day…if there aren’t any jobs I am qualified for ….then free day…learn a new song on the guitar….draw something pretty….read a romance novel……help my mother with something…sniff the freaking roses…whatever…LIVE!!!....Happy Ending

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